Updated: Jul 16, 2021
It's that time of the year again. Never-ending amounts of red and pink hues of flowers and hearts, filling our peripheral view with with hopes of giving our partner the love they deserve at this time of the year. Valentine's Day. We are flooded with the reminder that we have found our true love and what better way to show them how much we appreciate the connection we've built by showering them with gifts and quality time. On the other hand, it's also a reminder of how lonely, sad and brutal it feels to not have a partner to build those memories at this point in time. Which do you think I fall under? Neither! I am happy to say I'm single and love myself for where I am at, while still being open minded to the serendipitous moments that can come my way and sweep me off into a fairytale narrative and begin a new chapter of my life.
This mindset was never like this. Oh, I remember how it used to haunt me all my childhood and young adult life. All I ever wanted to to find "the one" and live happily ever after. Maybe it's a Pisces thing where we feel complete only if and when we find the right partner to overcome life's travesties. I think many of us lived in that fantasy life and couldn't escape it. What's wrong with me? I am not confident, I may have low self-esteem, I do not like how I look, talk or anything that I criticize myself on. It was never a deliberate thought, but for as far as I remember, those ideas on myself always existed and never left the words I chose to define myself. As early as the concept of finding a love one was imprinted into my conscious, I also thought there was something missing in my life.
Going through life and transitioning into a young adult, it was hard not to notice the couples that found each other. Of course, they come and go, but the pain of a breakup never came into my mind as a challenge I have to deal with. Hell, finding someone to go through that was a challenge already. Although these thoughts are not always in the forefront of my mind, they find their way to resurface and force me to re-experience everything that I didn't want to face. Those negative thoughts and mindset about myself. Eventually I just go through life and stumble upon experiences and accepted them without hesitation hoping that this was exactly everything that I wanted. Through one heartbreak after another(I wasn't always the best partner), I realize it wasn't the relationship that needed to make me happy; it was myself. It was unrealistic to have extravagant pressure to how the relationship should develop and unravel. You may think it was such a naïve way of thinking, but that was my world. My mind was interwoven with the fairytales I was told, the connections people have had and me just wanted to be loved.
Time to Focus on Myself
Something somewhere somehow triggered a thought process. It's the idea that we should be happy individuals and bringing that to the table of the relationship rather than the other way around. It was realizing the pressure that your happiness and future depends on the relationship of another. How overwhelming of a thought when you put that in that perspective? It wasn't something that was wrong with me, but there is definitely a need to shift my mindset.
Reflection, at least in the thinking process has helped me along the way. In school we learn to define things so they don't get misunderstood, but we often times forget to define things for ourselves, our mind and others. What kind of relationship do I want? What are some qualities are values I feel are important to have a healthy relationship? If I am looking for some type of qualities, what may the other person want to find as well? As simple as this may sound, it was a light bulb that never click and light up in my head until then.
I began to realize what are some values that weighed heavier: Communication, Ambition, Personal Growth, Family Values, Sense of Adventure and a love for Food/Drinks/Travel. And if I want to nurture these values, how would it look like? Things slowly start to make sense and as I explore these concepts, I begin to love the process and created happiness for myself. People will fall in love with your values, what you stand for, how you identify yourself and how you see yourself.
While you are on this journey, don't forget a little self love. It's easy to forget and get lost in the motion. Because we've been told either by others or we did it to ourselves that we're not enough and that needs to change. Change how you feel about yourself like what we tell ourselves; "I am enough." For me, I gravitate towards 3 words to live by and of course they can change base on the values that you are nurturing. 'Empowering, Goofy, Adventurer.' Make an impact while being you with the silliness and enjoy all the little things life has in store for you. This is a process, which means you may make mistakes along the way. We are human and that's also one of the coolest part of our existence I think. Pamper yourself along the way because you deserve it and you continue to work on it.
One key thing I realize and still learning, is to be with people that are right for me and let go of those who are not. Although that is a no brainer, in practice, it's a totally different story. Ultimately, you must want it to happen for the exploration to start and go somewhere. It's okay being single! Love yourself. You are enough. Open your heart to what's to come!